LEND  ME 

IVE  SHILLINGS 


A  FARCE  IN  ONE  ACT 


BV 

JOHN  MADDISON  MORTON 


NEW  AMERICAN  EDITION,  CORRECTLY  REPRINTED  FROM  THE  ORI- 
GINAL AUTHORIZED  ACTING  EDITION,  WITH  THE  ORIGINAL 
CASTS  OF  THE  CHARACTERS,  SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS, 
TIME  OF  REPRESENTATION,    DESCRIPTION  OF  THE 
COSTUMES,  SCENE  AND  PROPERTY  PLOTS,  DIA- 
GRAM OF  THE  STAGE  SETTING,  SIDES  OF 
ENTRANCE  AND  EXIT,  RELATIVE  POSI- 
TIONS OF  THE  PERFORMERS,  EXPLA- 
NATION OF  THE  STAGE  DIREC- 
TIONS, ETC.,  AND  ALL  OF 

THE  STAGE  BUSINESS. 


Copyright,  1889,  by  Harold  Roorbach. 


3ity  of  Calita 
them  Regiona 
Diary  Facility 


NEW  YORK 

DICK  &  FITZGERALD,  PUBLISHERS) 
18  ANN  STREET 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 


Haymarket  TAeatre, 

London, 
February  ig,  1846. 


Park  Theatre^ 

New  York, 
April  27,  1846. 


MR.  GOLIGHTLY Mr.  Buckstone.  Mr.  Bass. 

CAPTAIN  PHOBBS Mr.  Tilbury.  Mr.  G.  Barrett. 

CAPTAIN  SPRUCE Mr.  Brindal.  Mr.  Crocker. 

MORLAND Mr.  Carle.  Mr.  McDonnall. 

SAM,  (a  waiter) Mr.  Clark.  Mr.  DeWalden. 

MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS Miss.  P.  Horton.  Mrs.  Abbott. 

MRS.  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS Miss  Telbin.  Miss  Kate  Horn. 

LADIES  AND  GENTLEMEN,  GUESTS. 

TIME  OF  REPRESENTATION — ONE  HOUR. 
SYNOPSIS  OF  INCIDENTS. 

MR.  GOLIGHTLY  is  deeply  fascinated  with  MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS  at  a 
ball.  The  lady,  however,  desiring  greater  freedom  to  secure  her  sister  in- 
law,  MRS.  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS,  from  the  attentions  of  one  MR.  MORLANM, 
turns  a  cold  shoulder  upon  MK.  GOLIGHTLY'S  politeness,  whereat  the  latter 
gentleman,  in  a  fit  of  humiliated  pique,  resolves  to  ignore  the  lady  and  do 
something  desperate,  and  rushes  forthwith  to  the  gaming  table  to  plunge 
headlong  into  the  intoxicating  whirlpool  of  sixpenny  shorts.  CAPTAIN 
PHOBBS  returns  home,  leaving  his  wife  to  enjoy  herself  under  the  protec- 
tion of  MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS,  with  the  injunction  that  she  must  be  home  by 
twelve  o'clock.  The  latter  lady,  wishing  to  enlist  MR.  GOLIGHTLY'S  ser- 
vices in  looking  after  her  charge,  unbends  to  that  gentleman,  after  he  has 
lost  his  last  shilling,  and  asks  him  to  afford  her  as  much  of  his  society  dur- 
ing the  evening  as  he  can  spare  and  escort  her  home  when  the  ball  breaks 
up,  to  MR.  GOLIGHTLY'S  extreme  elation  until  he  remembers  that  he  is 


URL 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  3 

devoid  of  cash.  Recognizing  the  absolute  necessity  of  five  shillings  for 
cab-hire,  MR.  GOLIGHTLY,  in  his  extremity,  applies  for  that  sum  succes- 
sively to  MORLAND,  SPRUCE,  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS  and  the  waiter,  but  without 
success.  In  the  meantime,  MR.  GOLIGHTLY  has  mistaken  the  jealous 
CAPT.  PHOBBS  for  the  husband  of  MRS.  MAJ.  PHOBBS,  and  it  appears  that 
MORLAND  is  attentive  to  MRS.  CAPT.  PHOBBS  simply  because  he  wishes  to 
complete  a  minature  portrait  of  her  to  present  to  her  worthy  spouse  before 
his  departure  on  the  morrow.  After  fruitless  efforts  at  raising  a  loan,  Mu. 
G  ILIGHTLY  discovers  a  purse  in  the  overcoat  that  is  brought  to  him  —  his 
own  overcoat  having  been  taken  by  another  guest—  and  finding  himself  sud- 
denly in  funds,  he  orders  a  supper  for  the  lady  in  fine  style,  in  addition  to 
the  cab,  and  doffs  the  overcoat.  The  evening  being  now  far  advanced,  CAPT. 
PHOBBS  rushes  in  furiously  indignant  at  his  wife's  failure  to  return  home  by 
midnight,  invites  himself  to  partake  of  the  supper,  frightens  MR.  GOLIGHTLY 
nearly  out  of  his  wits,  and  winds  up  with  a  challenge  before  departing 
with  the  overcoat  and  the  funds.  While  MR.  GOLIGHTLY  is  in  the  deepest 
despair  at  his  renewed  insolvency,  the  irate  Captain  returns  with  pistols, 
insists  upon  a  duel,  but  is  placated  on  learning  that  his  wife  had  never  even 
seen  MR.  GOLIGHTLY  before  but,  instead,  had  been  sitting  for  her  portrait 
which  is  now  printed  by  MOKI.ANP.  MR.  GOLIGIITI.Y,  learning  that 
MRS.  MAJ.  PHOBBS  is  a  widow,  offers  himself  and  is  accepted,  and  hears, 
with  relief,  that  the  Captain  has  paid  for  the  supper.  But  the  cab  remain- 
ing to  be  settled  for,  MR.  GOLIGHTLY  extricates  himself  from  his  awkward 
situation  by  appealing  to  the  audience  for  the  temporary  loan  of  five 
shillings. 

COSTUMES. 

MR.  GOLIGHTLY.  —  Light  claret-colored  coat,  white  waistcoat,  and  black 
trowsers. 

CAPTAIN  PHOBBS.  —  Blue  body-coat,  black  velvet  collar,  gilt  buttons  ; 
white  waistcoat,  black  trowsers. 

CAPTAIN  SPRUCE.  —  P>lue  dress-coat  and  black  tro\vsers. 

MORLAND.  —  Black  dress  suit. 

SAM.  —  Blue  coat,  white  trowsers,  and  flowered  waistcoat 

WAITER.  —  Ditto. 

MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS.  —  Pink  and  white  ball  dress,  bonnet  and  cloak. 

MRS.  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS.—  Blue  satin,  with  white  lace  over-dress. 

GUESTS  FOR  BALL.  —  Dress  suits. 


PROPERTIES. 

Money  and  pair  of  pistols  for  CAPT.  PHOBBS.  Fan  for  MRS.  MAJOR 
PHOBBS.  Miniature  for  MORLAND.  Money  for  SPRUCE.  Lady's  doak  for 
WAITER.  Old  light  overcoat ;  one  very  large,  old  broad-brimmed  white 
hat ;  one  hat  very  much  crushed.  Tray,  with  cakes,  table-cloth,  table 
appointments  and  supper  for  SAM.  Crash  off  stage,  R. 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 
STAGE  SETTING. 

Ball  Room  Bucking 
1  Door ' 'Door ' 'Door 

Door  Doer 

Table  &  Chairs  \ 

SCENE  PLOT. 

SCENE. — A  room  adjoining  the  ball-room  at  a  hotel,  set  in  3  G., 
backed  with  ball-room  backing  in  4  G.  Chandeliers  (lighted)  in  both 
rooms.  Doors  R.  2  E.  and  L.  2  E.  Doors  R.,  L.  and  c.,  in  the  flat.  Table 
and  two  chairs,  R. 

STAGE  DIRECTIONS. 

Observing,  the  player  is  supposed  to  face  the  audience.  R.  means  right ; 
L.,  left ;  c.,  centre ;  R.  c.,  right  of  centre ;  L.  c.,  left  of  centre ;  D.  F., 
door  in  the  flat  or  scene  running  across  the  back  of  the  stage.  R.  F., 
right  side  of  the  flat,  L.  F.,  left  side  of  the  flat;  R.  D.,  right  door  ;  L.'  D., 
left  door;  c.  D.,  centre  door;  I  £.,  first  entrance;  2  E.,  second  entrance; 
u.  E.,  upper  entrance;  i,  2  or  3  G.,  first,  second  or  third  grooves.  UP 
STAGE,  toward  the  back ;  DOWN  STAGE,  toward  the  footlights. 

R.  R.  C.  C.  L.  C.  L. 

NOTE. — The  text  of  this  play  is  correctly  reprinted  from  the  original 
authorized  acting  edition,  without  change.  The  introductory  matter  has 
been  carefully  prepared  by  an  expert,  and  is  the  only  part  of  this  book  pro- 
tected by  copyright. 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 


ACT  I. 

Scene — A  Room  adjoining  the  Sail- Room,  at  an  Hotel.  At  the  ris- 
ing of  the  Curtain,  a  Quadrille  band  is  heard  from  Ball- Room,  in 
which  two  Quadrille  sets  are  formed.  Another  set  is  formed  on  the 
Stage,  composed  and  arranged  as  follows : — MR.  GoLiGHTLY  and 
MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS,  with  their  backs  to  the  audience. — Opposite 
to  them,  another  couple, — at  L.  of  them,  CAPTAIN  SPRUCE  and 
MRS.  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS,  and  opposite  to  them,  MORLAND  and  a 
Lady. — As  the  Curtain  rises,  GOLIGHTLY  and  MRS.  M.  PHOBBS 
and  their  vis-a-vis,  are  dancing' the  last  figure  of  a  Quadrille. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (to  GOLIGHTLY,  as  they  are  breaking  up]  So  you  are 
really  partial  to  dancing,  Mr.  Golightly  ? 

Goli.  I  positively  doat  upon  it—  and  with  such  a  partner  I  flatter 
myself  I  could  dance  till  I  dropped ;  in  short,  most  fascinating  of 
women,  'tis  in  your  power  to  make  me  the  happiest  of  men.  (cuts 
a  violent  caper] 

Mrs.  M.  P.  You're  quite  eloquent,  I  declare  !  (stniling] 

Goli.  Nothing  to  what  I  should  be,  if  I  wasn't  so  dreadfully  out 
of  breath — Phew  !  (fans  himself] 

Mor.  (to  MRS.  CAPT.  PHOBBS)  You  surely  cannot  refuse  the  last 
request  that  I  perhaps  shall  ever  make  ? 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Indeed,  I  must,  for  I  cannot  grant  it  without  com- 
promising myself ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (aside  and  observing  them]  Can  it  be  as  I  suspected? 
— but  I'll  not  lose  sight  of  them  ! 

Goli.  I  assure  you,  my  dear  madam,  I  haven't  words  in  my 
vocabulary  sufficiently  energetic  to  express  my  delight  in  meeting 
you  again.  (MORLAND  and  his  partner  enter  the  Bail-Room,  through 
L.  C.  SRUCE  and  MRS.  C.  PHOBBS  retire  a  little}  Might  I  be  allowed? 

(offers  his  arm  to  MRS.  M.  PHOBBS) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  No  ;  thank  you  ! 

Goli.  May  I  press  an  ice  upon  you,  or  a  bottle  of  ginger  beer  ? 

(tenderly] 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I'd  rather  not!  (coldly] 


6  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Goli.  Shall  we  stroll  through  the  rooms  ?  (offers  his  arm) 

Mrs.  M.  P.   I  am  too  fatigued  ! 

Goli.  Then  I'll  run  and  fetch  a  chair! 

Mrs.  M.  P.   I'd  rather  stand  !  (annoyed) 

Goli.  Oh  ! — may  I  claim  this  fair  hand  for  the  next  quadrille  f 

Mrs.  M.  P.   Tis  already  engaged  ! 

Goli.  May  I  enjoy  the  felicitous  prospect  of  polking  with  you? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (sharply)  Mr.  Goligntly,  I  wish  you  to  understand, 
sir,  that  I  am  engaged  for  the  whole  of  the  evening,  (turns  her 
back  on  him,  and  joins  CAPT.  SPRUCE  «»</MRS.  C.  PHOBBS.  SPRUCE 
bows,  and  enters  the  Bail-Room,  C.) 

Goli.  (after  a  pause)  Now,  I  don't  want  to  flatter  myself,  but  I 
1vish  it  to  be  distinctly  understood,  that  I  consider  myself  very  ill- 
treated — the  lovely  woman  has  humiliated  me — and  with  respect 
to  the  lovely  woman's  assertion  that  she's  engaged  for  the  whole 
of  the  evening,  I  look  upon  the  lovely  woman  as  having  per- 
petrated a  very  considerable  thumper  :  it's  evident  she  means  to 
cut  me,  in  which  case,  the  most  manly  course  for  me  to  adopt,  is 
obviously  to  cut  her.  I'll  do  something  desperate ! — I'll  go  and 
drink  a  whole  glass  of  British  champagne! — I'll  rush  to  the  gam- 
ing-table and  plunge  headlong  into  the  intoxicating  whirlpool  of 
sixpenny  shorts.  There  she  is  :  she  sha'n't  see  the  agitation  of 
this  swelling  bosom — no,  no,  I'll  hum  a  tune,  if  I  die  for  it — la! 
la !  la !  (goes  out,  dancing  and  singing,  R. ) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (watching  him  out)  Poor  Mr.  Golightly,  his  devo- 
tion to  me  really  deserves  better  treatment.  Julia,  one  word. 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Not  now,  sister-in-law,  my  husband  is  waiting  for 
me. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Where  is  Captain  Phobbs  ? 

Mrs.  C.  P.  As  usual,  at  the  whist-table.       (goes  towards  D.  F.  R.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  One  moment,  excuse  a  sister-in-law's  anxiety — but 
this  young  man,  this  Mr.  Morland  ? 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Well? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  He  seems  very  attentive. 

Mrs.  C.  P.   He's  very  agreeable. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Then  he's  the  more  to  be  feared,     (earnestly) 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Feared  !  what,  Cousin  George  ?  ha !  ha !  Oh,  my 
good,  sober,  serious  sister-in-law,  if  you  only  knew — ha,  ha! 

Mrs.  M.  P.   Knew  what?  speak. 

Re-enter  MoRLANDyh?7«  c.,  followed  by  CAPTAIN  SPRUCE. 

Mor.  (hastily  approaching  the  ladies)  May  I  be  allowed  to  con- 
duct you  to  the  refreshment  room,  ladies? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (with  marked  intention)  Thank  you,  sir,  but  Cap- 
tain Spruce  has  kindly  offered  to  escort  us  ;  he  is  tenacious  of  his 
prerogatives  as  Master  of  the  Ceremonies! 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  7 

Spruce.  Decidedly  tenacious  ! 

(  The  two  ladies  take  his  arm,  and  are  about  to  go 
off,  when  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS  enters  from  R.  D.  F.) 

Capt.  P.  (towards  room,  as  he  enters)  You  shall  have  your 
revenge  presently,  gentlemen  ! — Ha  !  ha  !  Such  a  run  of  cards  ! 
three  bumper  rubbers  in  succession ! — Ha  !  ha  !  (putting  money  in 
his  pocket]  Ah,  Julia!  (to  MRS.  C.  PHOBBS)  not  tired  of  dancing 
already,  eh? — I  say,  Spruce,  I  am  not  afraid  of  trusting  my  wife 
with  you. — You're  not  the  handsomest  fellow  in  the  world — ha! 
ha  ! — so  just  take  her  a  stroll. — I've  something  to  say  to  my  sister- 
in-law,  here. — Au  revoir!  {gallantly  kisses  her  hand,  and  she 
goes  into  the  Ball-Room  withCwr.  SPRUCE.  MORLAND  follows  them) 

Mrs.  M.  P.   Well,  brother-in-law,  what  have  you  to  say  to  me  ? 

Capt.  P.  Why,  the  fact  is,  I'm  obliged  to  leave  "  The  gay,  the 
gay  and  festive  scene — the  halls,  the  halls  of  dazzling  light" — in 
other  words,  I'm  going  home. 

Mrs.  M.  P.   Home  ! 

Capt.  P.  Yes. — A  memorial  to  the  Commander-in-chief  which  I 
must  send  off  by  to-night's  post. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Surely,  you'll  not  leave  your  wife  here  alone,  in  a 
public  ball-room. 

Capt.  P.  (imitating  her]  "  Public  ball-room  !"  What  of  that? — 
I'll  trouble  you,  or  any  one  else,  to  find  a  more  respectable  assem- 
bly in  the  three  kingdoms,  than  our  Bedford  Assize  Ball. — Besides, 
she  couldn't  be  alone  while  you  are  here  ! — And  I  dare  say  I  shall 
be  back  time  enough  to  take  her  home  ; — and  if  I  ain't,  somebody 
else  will ! — There's  her  cousin  George,  for  instance,  he'll  be 
delighted,  I'm  sure! 

Mrs.  M.  P.   (aside)  Too  delighted,  I'm  afraid! 

Capt.  P.  But  she  must  be  home  by  twelve  o'clock,  not  a 
moment  later  ; — so  good-bye. — I  say,  sister-in-law,  you '11  take  care 
she  has  lots  of  partners,  will  you  ?  and  plenty  of  negus.  Good-bye, 
I'm  in  a  devil  of  a  hurry  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  So  it  appears,  since  you're  going  without  your  hat! 

Capt.  P.  So  I  am,  I  declare  ! — Let  me  see,  I  think  I  left  it  in  the 
card-room!  (hurries  out  at  door,  R.  F.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  So,  the  husband  is  as  blind  as  the  wife. — However, 
as  Julia  is  left  under  my  protection,  I'll,  endeavour  to  secure  her 
from  Mr.  Morland's  attentions. — But  how?  (reflecting} 

Enter  GoLlGHTLY,  R. 

Goli.  Now  I'm  happy  !  my  mind's  at  peace. — I'm  a  ruined  man 
— for  the  rest  of  the  evening  ! — I've  lost  every  shilling  I  had  in  my 
pocket ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (seeing  GOLIGHTLV)  Mr.  Golightly  !  may  he  not  be  of 
service  to  me  ? 


8  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Goli.  Ha!  ha! — I  can't  help  thinking  of  my  unfortunate 
partner. — An  elderly  female,  with  a  sort  of  a  scarlet  towel  round 
her  head ! — She  wanted  to  know  if  I  wished  to  ruin  her — ha  !  ha  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.   {approaching]  Mr.  Golightly ! 

Goli.  (seeing  her — aside)  So  !  (aloud  and  singing)  "  I  dreamt 
that  I  dwelt  in  marble  halls  !  " 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I  hope  you  are  not  angry  with  me  ? 

Goli.  (aside)  Oh,  dear !  (sighing) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I  hope  you'll  forgive  me! 

Goli.  (aside)  Oh,  dear ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  You  can  do  me  a  great  service. — Will  you  refuse 
me? 

GolL  If  I  do  damme  ! — I  don't  mean  that — Command  me,  in- 
teresting female. — Command  me  ! — What  is  it  ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Simply,  to  afford  me  as  much  of  your  society  as  you 
can  spare  me  during  the  evening,  and  to  escort  me  home  when  the 
Ball  breaks  up. 

Goli.  Ye  gods !  (cutting  a  high  caper)  Madam, — I  don't  know 
if  it's  peculiar  to  me — but  somehow  or  other,  I  am  generally  at  a 
loss  to  say  what  I  mean,  when  I  can't  find  words  to  express  my- 
self. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I'll  let  you  know  when  I  wish  to  retire,  and  perhaps 
you  will  order  a  Fly  ! — Adieu  for  the  present!  (goes  into  the  Ball- 
Room,  C.) 

Goli.  It's  too  much — it's  much  too  much  ! — a  tete-d-tete  with  a 
one-horse  woman,  in  a  fly — I  mean  with  a  fly  with  a  one-horse 
woman  ! — No,  that's  not  it. — With  a  woman,  in  a  one-horse  fly  ! — 
I'll  engage  One  directly. — I'll  take  it  by  the  hour. — I'll  give  the 
coachman  half  a  crown  to  drive  at  the  slowest  possible  pace ! — 
Perhaps  for  five  shillings  he'd  upset  us  ! — Oh  !  ecstatic  thought ! — 
I'll  about  it  this  instant. — Oh,  lud  !  (suddenly  recollects  himself)  I 
forgot — I  haven't  got  any  money  !  (hasti/y  searching  his  pockets, 
one  after  another) 

Enter  MORLAND,y>w«  C.,  down  L. 

Mor.  Heyday  !     Mr.  Golightly  ! — What's  the  matter? 

Goli.  Ah  !  come  here  !  (seizes  his  hand)  Sir,  I  seize  this  oppor- 
tunity of  declaring  to  you,  on  the  honour  of  a  gentleman,  that 
there  is  nobody  in  the  world  for  whom  I  entertain  more  unbounded 
esteem,  respect,  and  admiration,  than  I  do  for  you. — Lend  me  five 
shillings  ! 

Mor.  Really,  Mr.  Golightly,  I'm  exceedingly  sorry,  but — 

Goli.  Now  don't  say  you  haven't  got  'em,  because  such  is  the 
peculiarity  of  my  present  position,  that  you  must  lend  me  five 
shillings — or  two  half-crowns,  I'm  not  particular,  whether  you've 
got  'em  or  not. 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  9 

Mor.   Pshaw  !  will  you  give  me  an  explanation  ? 

Goli.  No,  but  I'll  sell  you  one — you  shall  have  it  cheap — five 
shillings. 

Mor.  Proceed  ! 

Goli.  You  must  know,  then,  I  have  discovered  this  evening,  in 
this  very  room,  a  treasure,  which  I  thought  I  had  lost  forever. 

Mor.  Oh,  what,  you  had  dropped  something  eh  ? 

Goli.  No,  Sir  !  a  lovely  woman  ! — A  female  1  most  devoutly 
doat  upon  ! 

Mor.  And  she's  asked  you  to  lend  her  five  shillings — ha,  ha! 

Goli.  Pshaw  ! — Listen  ;  it  is  now  just  fifteen  months  since  I  went 
to  Harrowgate  to  drink  the  waters  ! — Did  you  ever  drink  the  Har- 
rowgate  waters? 

Mor.  Never. 

Goli.  Then  you've  a  treat  to  come. — Such  dreadful — Oh,  lud  ! 
(rubs  his  stomach]  Well,  the  first,  and,  by-the-bye,  the  last  time  I 
imbibed  the  horrible  beverage — a  lady  entered  the  pump-room  for 
the  same  purpose  ; — and  while  I  was  admiring  the  Christian  resig- 
nation with  which  she  swallowed  the  contents  of  a  colossal  tum- 
bler— it  suddenly  came  on  to  rain. — Did  you  ever  see  it  rain  at 
Harrowgate  ? 

Mor.  Never. 

Goli.  Then  that's  another  treat  to  come. — Instantly  offered  my 
umbrella  ; — which  was  accepted  ! 

Mor.  Lucky  fellow ! 

Goli.  I  don't  know  that— because  being  obliged  to  walk  home  in 
the  rain,  I  caught  a  cold,  which  kept  me  incessantly  sneezing  for 
the  next  six  weeks — However,  the  next  day,  by  the  lady's  per- 
mission, I  called,  for  the  sake  of  politeness  ;  and,  I'm  not  ashamed 
to  own  it,  for  the  sake  of  my  umbrella.— I  was  shown  up  into  the 
drawing-room,  where  the  lady,  taking  me  by  the  hand  and  lead- 
ing me  up  to  a  sort  of  mummy  sitting  bolt  upright  in  an  arm-chair, 
and  muffled  up  to  the  eyes  in  flannel,  like  muffins  at  Christmas, 
said,  my  dear  Major,  will  you  thank  the  gentleman  for  his  polite- 
ness ? — Upon  which,  the  aforesaid  mummy  grunted  out,  Sir, 
there's  my  hand — and  there's  your  umbrella! — upon  which,  I  was 
civilly  shown  down  stairs. 

Mor.  And  the  door  slammed  in  your  face  ? 

Goli.  No,  Sir,  not  slammed — but  shut. — I  flatter  myself  I  know 
the  difference  between  a  slut  and  a  sham. — I  mean  between  a  slut 
and  a  sham. — I  should  say  between  a  shut  and  a  slam. 

Mor.  And  with  this  lady  you  fell  in  love.— A  married  woman, 
too. — Oh,  fie  ! 

Goli.  I  did. — I  admit  the  enormity  of  my  offence — but  I  did. — 
Judge,  then,  my  delight  at  meeting  her,  after  an  interval  of  fifteen 
months,  at  our  Annual  Assize  Ball,  this  evening. 

Mor.  And  her  husband — the  mummy  ? 


10  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Goli.  Is  certainly  not  with  her,  or  she  would  not  have  condes- 
cended to  request  my  escort  home. — No,  the  "  dear  Major  "  is  still 
drinking  the  Harrowgate  pump  dry  ;  or  else  he  has  done  the  hand- 
some thing,  by  leaving  his  wife  a  widow. — Now,  as  I  think  I've 
given  you  a  good  five  shillings'  worth,  I'll  trouble  you  for  the 
money  ! 

Mor.  Really,  I'm  ashamed  to  say,  I  haven't  got  so  much  about 
me ! 

Goli.  Goodness,  gracious! — And  you  call  yourself  a  respectable 
member  of  society  ! — Sir,  I've  a  contempt  for  a  man  that  isn't 
worth  five  shillings! — I  despise  a  man  without  two  half-crowns  in 
his  pocket. — But  I  must  have  a  Fly  ;  if  I  die,  I  must  have  a  fly'! — 
Oh,  for  a  pair  of  pistols  loaded  to  the  muzzle  ! 

Mor.  Good  heavens  ! — what  would  you  do  with  them ! 

Goli.  Do  with  them !  (violently)  Why,  I'd  sell  them  for  five 
shillings!  (crosses,  L.) 

Re-enter  CAPTAIN  PHOBBS /«?/«  R.  D.  F. 

Capt.  P.  I've  found  my  hat  at  last,  and  now  I'm  off! — Holloa! 
Cousin  George,  are  you  tired  of  dancing,  too,  like  Julia,  eh? 

Mor.  No. — I  have  the  happiness  of  being  engaged  to  her  for  the 
next  quadrille ! 

Capt.  P.  That's  right!  (exit  MORLAND,  c.)  Here,  waiter! 

SAM  runs  in,  R. 

Sam.  Yes,  Sir! 

Capt.  P.  Get  me  a  Fly!  it's  raining  cats  and  dogs  ! 

Sam.  Yes,  Sir — directly,   (runs  out,  L. ) 

Goli.  {observing  CAPTAIN  P.)  It  strikes  me,  I've  seen  that  head 
on  a  pair  of  shoulders,  somewhere  or  other! — At  any  rate,  whether 
I  have  or  not,  I'll  claim  his  acquaintance,  and  ask  him  to  lend  me 
five  shillings,  (approaching  him]  Ah,  Thompson,  my  boy  ! 

Capt.  P.   (drawing  himself  up}  Sir! 

Goli.  Beg  pardon,  I  should  have  said,  ah,  Smith,  my  boy  :  how 
goes  it,  Smith? — Give  us  your  hand,  Smith. 

Capt.  P.   My  name's  not  Smith,  Sir! 

Goli.  Quite  sure  it  isn't? — Well,  that's  very  odd. — You  remem- 
ber me  ? — Eh,  Robinson  ? — Of  course  you  do — Golightly  ! 

Capt.  P.  Go  to  the  devil !  (crosses,  L. ) 

Enter  MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS,  c. 

Goli.   {gallantly  advancing  to  her]  Ah  ! 
Mrs.  M.  P.   (aside  to  him]   Hush — Leave  me  ! 
Goli.  (aside]  What's  the  matter  now  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (to  PHOBBS)  So,  you've  changed  your  mind — You  in- 
tend remaining  here !  (delighted) 


LEND  ME  'FIVE  SHILLINGS.  II 

Capt.  P.  On  the  contrary,  I'm  only  waiting  for  this  infernal 
Fly.  (looks  off} 

Goli.   (aside]  She  knows  the  gentleman  ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (to  CAPT.  P.)  Surely,  surely,  this  business  can  be 
deferred  till  to-morrow  ?  (anxiously) 

Capt.  P.  Not  for  an  hour  !  for,  with  decent  luck,  in  less  than  a 
week  I  shall  be  a  Major  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Indeed  !  Then  success  attend  you,  my  dear 
Major! 

Goli.  (aside,  starting)  Her  "dear  Major!"—  Good  gracious; 
can  it  be  !  —  It  is  —  it  must  be  !  —  She's  not  a  widow  ! 


(CAPTAIN  PHOBBS  has  gone  off,  L., 

M.    PHOBBS  has  re-entered  the  Ball-  Room} 

Enter  CAPTAIN  SPRUCE,  L.  c.' 

Spruce.  Now,  Sir!  allow  me  to  introduce  you  to  a  partner. 

Goli.  Come  here  !  —  (seizes  him  by  the  arm  and  drags  him  forward) 
Do  you  know  that  stout,  elderly  individual,  there?  (points  off  ,  L.  ) 

Spruce.  Perfectly  !  —  A  brother  officer  of  mine  ! 

Goli.  Oh!  —  His  name? 

Spruce.   Phobbs. 

Goli.  (aside)  That  settles  it  !  —  I  didn't  know  him  again  out  of 
his  flannels  !  (aloud)  Phobbs'  health  good  ? 

Spruce.  Excellent  ! 

Goli.  That's  a  pity  !  —  I  mean,  that's  a  comfort  ! 

Spruce.   He's  married  to  a  charming  young  wife  ! 

Goli.  I  know  he  is,  poor  devil  !  (conceitedly) 

Spruce.  Oh,  oh  !  —  Sly  rogue  !  (poking  him  in  the  side) 

Goli.  Ha,  ha  ! 

Spruce.  But  don't  let  Phobbs  suspect  anything  ;  he's  as  jealous 
as  a  Turk,  and  would  cut  your  throat  to  a  certainty. 

Goli.  (very  quickly)  My  dear  sir,  /shan't  tell  him  !—  and  I'm  sure 
you  won't,  my  dear  friend  !  (squeezes  his  hand)  I  say,  Fm  sure 
you  won't  !  —  You  inestimable  creature,  you  ! 

Spruce.  I'm  not  the  man  to  spoil  sport  !  —  So  come  along,  (they 
go  laughing,  arm-in-arm,  towards  Ball-  Room) 

Goli.  (stopping,  and  eagerly  to  SPRUCE)  You'll  take  your  oath  you 
won't  tell  Phobbs  ? 

Spruce.  Pshaw!  —  Ha!  ha!  —  Come  along! 

(  7^hey  enter  Sail-  Room  through  the  c.,  and  L.  Immediately 
MORLAND   and  MRS.  C.  PHOBBS  enter  through  R.  c.  ) 

Mor.  Pshaw  !  cousin  Julia!  —  I'd  no  idea  you  were  such  a  little 
prude  !  —  After  all,  what  is  it  I  ask  of  you  !  Merely  to  enable  me, 
before  my  departure  from  England,  which  takes  place  to-morrow, 
to  present  to  your  worthy  husband  a  portrait  of  his  good  little 
wife,  as  a  slight  return  for  all  his  kindness  and  hospitality  to  me. 


12  LEND  ME  FIVE'  SHILLINGS. 

^-It  will  be  an  agreeable  surprise  for  him,  and  it  is  all  that  a  poor 
devil  of  an  artist  like  myself  can  do. — And  see,  (producing  mina- 
ture)  it  only  requires  half-a-dozen  slight  touches. 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Well,  but 

Mor.  Exactly — I  perfectly  agree  with  you,  that  a  public  assem- 
bly room  is  not  exactly  the  place  for  a  lady  to  sit  for  her  portrait. 
— But  while  the  company  are  assembled  in  the  large  supper-room, 
we  can  easily  occupy  one  of  the  smaller  rooms.  I'll  then  run  to 
my  room  for  my  box  of  colours  ;  and  then,  while  you  are  picking 
the  wing  of  a  fowl 

Mrs.  C.  P.  You  can  catch  the  interesting  expression  !  (imitating 
eating  with  Jier  mouth  full}  Ha!  ha!  ha! — Then,  since  it  must  be 
so,  come!  (Exeunt,  R.  D.  F.) 

MRS.  M.  PHOBBS  immediately  enters,  L.  C.,  and  sees  them  go  out. 
She  goes  to  R.  D.  F.,  and  looks  after  them.  GOLIGHTLY  enters,  c. 
from  L. 

Goli.  I  can't  see  anybody  to  lend  me  five  shillings ! — what  a  dis- 
tressing position,  (shouting)  Will  anybody  lend  me  five  shillings  ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Mr.  Golightly  ! — quick  !  (he  runs  to  her]  You  see 
that  lady  and  gentleman  ? — Follow  them  ! — Observe  them  ! — 
Then — no — (pushes  him  envoy)  that  shall  be  my  task  ! 

(follows  MORLAND  and  MRS.  C.  PHOBBS) 

Goli.  What  very  remarkable  behaviour! 

Mrs.  M.  P.   (appearing  at  door,  R.  F.)  Mr.  Golightly! 

Goli.  (jumping  round}  Coming! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Remember ! — I  rely  on  your  escorting  me  home  ! 

(disappears,  R.  D.  F. ) 

Goli.  Of  course  !  (comes  fonoard}  It's  very  easy  for  me  to  say 
of  course  ! — but  how  am  I  to  do  it? — I  have  it. — After  depositing 
the  charming  Mrs.  Major  P.  in  safety  I'll  tell  the  coachman  to 
drive  to  my  lodgings. — That  won't  help  me  much,  either;  I  sha'n't 
find  any  money  there  :  at  least,  I  didn't  leave  any  ;  and  I  don't 
think  it's  very  probable,  that  anybody  would  take  the  trouble  of 
breaking  into  the  house  merely  to  leave  their  purse  there  ! — Then 
I  sha'n't  receive  my  salary  till  the  24th  ;  and  this  only  the  3rd. — I 
can't  keep  continually  riding  about  in  a  one-horse  Fly  for  three 
weeks  ;  that  would  be  ridiculous  !  (looks  into  Bail-Room)  Holloa  ! 
the  Ball's  breaking  up! — Good  gracious  ! — Here,  waiter  !  waiter  ! 

Enter  SAM,  L. 

Sam.  Sir! 

Goli.  My  hat — my  great -coat — quick  ! 

Sam.  Yes,  Sir  !  (runs  out,  L.  2  E.) 

Goli.  I  know  what  I'll  do! — I'll  go  down  among  the  one-horse 
Flys. — I'll  select  the  most  benevolent-looking  coachman  of  the 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  13 

lot. — I'll  put  him  in  possession  of  the  peculiarity  of  my  position ; 
and  if  he  won't  trust  me,  he  shall  have  my  hat  and  great-coat  as 
security  for  his  fare  ! — It's  a  spick  and  span  new  Taglioni — worth 
ten  times  the  money  ! — A  brilliant  idea ! — I  wonder  it  never  struck 
me  before  ! 

Enter  SAM,  with  a  great-coat  over  his  arm,  and  two  hats  in  his  hand, 

L.  2  E. 

Sam.  Here's  your  great-coat,  Sir ! 

Goli.  Make  haste ! 

Sam.  Now,  Sir  !  (keifs  him  on  with  a  very  long,  shabby,  white 
great-coat] 

Goli.   Holloa  !  this  isn't  my  great-coat ! 

Sam.    It's  the  only  one  left,  Sir ! 

Goli.  The  devil  it  is  ! 

Sam.  Yes,  Sir. — All  the  good  coats  have  been  gone  this  half- 
hour! 

Goli.  (hysterically]  Ha  !  ha  ! — I've  been  robbed  ' 

Sam.  There  are  no  thieves  in  this  house,  Sir  ! 

Goli.  No,  the  thieves  are  gone. 

Sam.  You'd  better  keep  in  on,  Sir. — I  dare  say  it's  a  mistake. 

Goli.  A  mistake  !— Pooh  !  do  you  think  anybody  could  mistake 
a  superfine,  pea-green  Taglioni,  for  a  second-hand  long-tailed, 
whitey-brown  thing  like  this  ! — My  hat. 

Sam.  Is  this  it,  Sir?  (hands  him  a  hat  very  much  crushed] 

Goli.   (vociferating]  No  !  {flings  it  a*  his  head] 

Sam.  Then  this  must  be  it,  Sir. — These  are  the  only  two  left. 
(hands  him  an  old  broad-brimed  white  hat] 

Goli.  Ton  my  my  life,  this  is  pleasant !  (puts  on  the  hat,  which 
is  much  too  large  for  him] 

Sam.   Ha!  ha!  ha! 

Goli.  Get  out,  you  ruffian  !  (drives  him  off  at  back]  Catch  me 
coming  to  a  public  Ball  again  ! — What  one-horse  Fly  proprietor, 
I  should  like  to  know,  would  advance  an  hour's  drive  upon  such  a 
hat  as  this?  'Pon  my  life,  matters  are  getting  more  agreeable 
every  minute. 

Enter  CAPTAIN  SPRUCE,  from  C. 

Spruce.  Was  it  you  who  betted  five  shillings  on  the  last  rubber  ? 

Goli.  (aside}  There's  a  bit  of  luck  ! — Ha!  ha!  (aloud]  Oh,  yes, 
'twas  I. 

Spruce.  Then  you've  lost. 

Goli.  (aside]  Ha  !  ha  !  ha  ! — Another  agreeable  little  incident ! 
(aloud]  Very  well — very  well !  (with  apparent  unconcern] 

Spruce.  Then  there's  your  ticket  for  the  Ball,  fifteen  shillings. 

Goli.  Ah! — Anything  else ? 


14  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Spruce.  Yes : — Mr.  Morland's  ticket ;  which  he  said  you'd  pay 
for. 

Goli.  Delicious  ! — Go  on,  don't  be  shy  ! 

Spruce.  That's  all. — Just  £  I.  153. 

Goli.  Then  lend  me  another  five  shillings,  and  I  shall  owe  you 
£2. 

Spruce.  Very  good — very  good  indeed  ! — I'm  in  no  hurry  for  the 
money  ! — Any  time  will  do. 

Goli.  Pay  now ! — have  you  got  change  for  a  £1000  note  ?  I'd 
rather. 

Spruce.  I  think  I  have. 

Goli.  [aside]  Damn  it! 

Spruce.  At  least  I  can  get  it. 

Goli.  (quickly]  I'm  in  no  hurry — Any  time  will  do. 

Enter  SAM,  L.,  carrying  a  tray  with  cakes. 

(^«SAM)  By  Jove,  I've  an  idea!  (to  SPRUCE,  familiarly  taking1 
his  arm]  Spruce,  my  boy,  as  I've  nothing  but  £1000  bank  notes 
about  me,  could  you  just  lend  me  five  shillings?  (SPRUCE  looks 
surprised  ]  Not  for  myself. — Not  for  myself. — No,  but  I  wish  to  tip 
the  waiter  something. 

Spruce.  Certainly. — Sam!  (SAM  runs  to  him]  This  gentleman 
begs  me  to  give  you  five  shillings. — There  !  (gives  money] 

Goli.  (aside]  Confound  it !  hang  it !  dash  it — damn  it ! 

Spruce.   Delighted  to  have  it  in  my  power  to  serve  you,  sir. 

Goli.  (disgusted]  Don't  be  absurd  ! 

Spruce.  Sir ! 

Goli.  Nothing — thank  you,  my  dear  friend,  thank  you ! 

(Exit  SPRUCE,  ate.) 

Sam.  (to  GOLIGHTLY)  Thank  you  kindly,  Sir. 

Goli.  (indignantly]  Pooh!  don't  thank  me. 

Sam.  Take  a  few  cakes,  Sir  ? 

Goli.  No,  I  won't — yes,  I  will. — (clears  the  tray  of  the  cakes, 
which  he  puts  into  the  pockets  of  the  great-coat]  Good  gracious  !  the 
people  are  going.  (looks  off] 

Voice,  (without]  Mr.  Jones's  fly. 

Voice,  (without]  Mr.  Jackson. — Miss  Dobson  and  Mrs.  Bum. 
pus'  flies. 

Goli.  The  flies  will  all  be  gone. — Sam  ! 

Sam.   Sir! 

Goli.  If  you'll  lend  me  that  five  shilling  piece  I  gave  you  just 
now,  you  shall  have  a  sovereign  to-morrow. 

Sam.  I  was  just  a-going  to  give  it  to  you  back  Sir  !  (gives  it) 

Goli.   Thank  you,  worthy  Samuel,  thank  you  ! 

Sam.  It's  a  bad  one,  sir. 

Goli.  A  bad  one ! 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  i$ 

Sam.  You  know  it  is  ! — you  call  yourself  a  gentleman — for 
shame  of  yourself!  (during  this,  GOLI.  has  been  biting  the  five 
shilling  piece,  and  ringing  it  on  the  stage — he  then,  in  a  fury,  flings 
it  off— wing,  R. ,  a  smash  heard]  There's  a  pane  of  glass 
smashed  ! — that's  another  five  shillings  ! — ha  !  ha !  ha  !  (GOLIGHTLY 
makes  a  -violent  dash  at  SAM  ) 

Cnter  MRS.  MAJOR  PHOBBS,  with  her  cloak,  &>c.,  on,  from  R.  D.  F. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Where  can  Mr.  Golightly  be  ?  (approaches  him) 
Pray,  sir,  are  you  acquainted  with  a  gentleman  of  the  name  of 
Golightly  ? — if  so —  (GOLIGHTLY  turns — she  recognizes  him,  and 
bursts  out  laughing) 

Sam.  Ha!  ha!  ha! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Everybody  has  left  the  ball-room. — Is  the  Fly  at 
the  door  ? 

Sam.  Lor,  ma'am,  the  flies  are  all  gone  long  ago  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Mercy  on  me  ! 

Goli.  No  such  thing — don't  be  alarmed,  my  dear  Mrs.  Major 
P. — I'll  get  a  conveyance  for  you  in  a  moment  ;  I  will,  if  I  have 
to  drag  it  here  myself — by  the  horse,  (runs  outi^.,  followed  by 
SAM) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Julia  is  not  here, — she  must  have  returned  home — 
doubtless  accompanied  by  Mr.  Morland.  How  provoking !  I, 
that  had  so  cleverly  arranged  that  Mr.  Golightly  should  accom- 
pany us  both — but,  late  as  the  hour  is,  I'll  see  her  on  my  way 
home, — I'll  speak  to  her — reason  with  her. 

Re-enter  GOLIGHTLY,  L.,  running. 

Goli.  Now,  then,  my  dear  Mrs.  Major  P. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Is  the  carriage  at  the  door  ? 

Goli.  Not  exactly — but  what  of  that?  The  rain  has  ceased— 
the  puddles  are  drying  up — the  little  stars  are  twinkling. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Surely,  Mr.  Golightly,  you  would  not  have  me  walk 
home  in  satin  shoes  ? 

Goli.  Why  not?     I'll  carry  you  over  the  crossings. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Sir,  once  for  all, — sir,  will  you  procure  me  a  con- 
-eyance  home? 

Goli.  Of  course  I  will.  Hilloa!  There's  something  upon  wheels 
driving  past  now.  (shouts)  Sam ! 

Sam.   (without)  Sir  ! 

Goli.  Stop  that  vehicle. 

Sam.  Stop  that  what,  sir  ? 

Goli.  That  coach — carriage— cab — fly — cart — whatever  it  is. 

Sam.  Yes,  sir. 

Goli.  Now,  my  dear  Mrs.  Major  P.,  I  hope  you  are  satisfied. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I  should  be  very  ungrateful  if  I  were  not. 


1 6  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Enter  SAM,  L. 

Sam.  The  coachman  says  he  must  have  double  fare — it's  past 
12  o'clock. 

Goli.  (aside}  Just  my  luck  ! — (aloud)  Of  course, — of  course. 

(Exit  SAM,  L.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Now,  Mr.  Golightly.  (lakes  his  arm — he  places  his 
hand  on  hers,  and  kisses  her  fingers — she  smiles) 

Goli.  (aside)  She  likes  it.  (about  to  do  it  again,  she  withdraws 
her  arm) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  You  will  be  good  enough  to  desire  the  man  to  drive 
us  first  of  all  to  the  Barracks. 

Goli.  To  the  Barracks  ! — at  this  time  of 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Yes,  sir,  I've  a  visit  to  pay  there  ;  I  sha'n't  keep 
you  waiting  more  than  half  an  hour. 

Goli.  Oh  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  And  from  there,  you'll  direct  him  to  drive  me 
home. 

Goli.  And  that  is 

Mrs.  M.  P.  About  two  miles  and  a  half  beyond  the  turnpike. 

Goli.  Oh !  (aside)  On  a  moderate  cakulation,  about  five  miles  from 
my  lodgings, — a  three  hours'  job  at  the  very  least, — double  fare, 
too, — pleasant; — but,  as  I'm  in  for  it,  I  may  as  well  go  it. 

Enter  SAM,  L. ,  followed  by  a  WAITER  carrying  a  lady  s  cloak. 

Sam.  I  tell  you,  it's  all  right, — you'll  find  the,  lady  and  gentle- 
man in  the  small  supper-room,  No.  2.  (waiter  rtins  off,  R.  D.  F.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Eh  !  Surely,  I  can't  be  mistaken  ; — it  was  Julia's 
cloak  ;  then  she's  not  gone  home  yet. — It's  impossible  I  can  leave 
the  house  now.  (hurries  to  R.  D.  F.,  and  anxiously  looks  off) 

Sam.  Mr.  Golightly 's  one-horse  fly  stops  the  way. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (comes  quickly  down)  Don't  think  me  capricious, 
Mr.  Golightly,  but — if  you  have  no  objection — we'll  remain  here 
— that  is,  for  the  present. 

Goli.  Delighted  ! — Sam,  send  the  fly  away  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Yes,  pay  the  man  his  fare,  and  let  him  go.  (looks 
anxiously,  R.  C.) 

Goli.  Don't  you  hear,  Sam, — the  lady  says  you're  to  pay  the 
man  his  fare,  and  let  him  go. 

Sam.  Certainly,  sir !  (holds  out  his  hand  to  GOLIGHTLY) 

Goli.  Then  let  the  man  stop — (io  MRS.  M.  P.)  You  may  change 
your  mind  again  !  (gallantly}  (Exit  SAM,  L.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  That's  very  considerate  of  you,  indeed  !  (aside) 
How  to  find  an  excuse  for  the  apparent  inconsistency  of  my  con- 
duct;  I  can't  leave  Julia  here. — Ah,  I  have  it! — (aloud)  Mr. 
Golightly,  don't  you  find  that  dancing  gives  you  an  appetite  ? 

Goli.  (aside)  Now,  what  does   she  Mean   by  that  ?     Good  gra- 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  17 

cious  me  !  she  can't  want  any  supper. — (aloud]  No,  ma'am,  quite 
the  contrary  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  That's  very  odd, — do  you  know,  I'm  vulgar  enough 
to  feel  exceedingly  hungry  ! 

Goli.  (aside]  That's  a  pretty  broad  hint — it's  a  clear  case  !  I'm 
in  for  a  supper,  as  well  as  a  one-horse  fly. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Well,  Mr.  Golightly,  since  you  press  me  so  very 
much,  I  wz'//take  some  refreshments! 

Goli.  (aside]  Good  gracious ! — I'm  sure  I  didn't  press  her  the 
least  little  bit  in  the  world  ! — Sam  ! 

Enter  SAM,  L. 

Of  course,  at  this  time  of  the  night,  it's  out  of  the  question  asking 
for  supper  ? 

Sam.  Oh,  dear,  no,  sir, — that  is,  if  you  have  it  here,  sir — all 
the  lights  are  out  in  the  supper-rooms. 

Goli.  (aside]  My  last  hope's  gone,  (aloud]  Then  let  us  have 
something. — (aside  to  SAM)  Something  reasonable,  you  know. — A 
crust  of  bread  and  cheese,  and  pickle, — about  a  shilling's  worth, 
• — I  don't  mind  fourteen  penn'rth 

Sam.  Only  one  charge  here  for  supper,  sir, — seven  shillings  a- 
head, — however,  I'll  see  what  I  can  do  for  you,  sir.  (Exit,  L.) 

Goli.  Seven  shillings  a-head  !- — I  keep  getting  deeper  and  deeper 
into  it," — I  sha'n't  get  off  under  a  five-pound  note,  that's  clear — 
and,  as  I  haven't  got  it,  I  think  the  chances  are  about"  ten  to 
one,  that  the  landlord  gives  me  in  charge  for  swindling,  (drives 
his  hands  info  the  pockets  of  the  great-coat  ] — Hilloa  ! — what's  that? 

—(rattles  the  pockets)  Sounds  like  the  chink  of  money, — and  yet 

(drives  his  hand  down  to  the  bottom  of  the  pocket]  it  is !  a  purse — 
ha !  ha  !  filled  with  sovereigns, — ha  !  ha ! — Jack's  alive  again ! 

Enter  SAM,  L. ,  with  a  small  tray. 

Sam.  I've  managed  it,  sir — crust  of  bread  and  cheese,  and  a 
pickle  ! 

Goli.  Who  for,  sir? 

Sam.   For  you,  sir — you  said 

Goli.  Don't  tell  me  what  I  said,  sir, — I  know  what  I  said,  sir, 

I  said  Champagne,  sir,  and  plenty  of  it, — Turkeys,  sir,  and  plenty 
of  them,— Burgundy,— Partridges,— Lobsters,— Pine-Apple  Punch 
— pickled  Salmon, — everything, — look  sharp, — be  off.  (pushes  SAM 
off,  L.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Oh,  Mr.  Golightly  !  — I  really  can't  allow — 

Goli.  Not  a  word,  I  beg, — whatever  I  do,  I  like  to  do  it  in  style, 
— bless  you, — !  don't  care  how  money  goes, — (aside]  especially 
when  it  isn't  my  ?>wn ! 


1 8  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Re-enter  SAM,  i^.—goes  and  lays  cloth,  &>c. — MORLAND  appears  at 

R.  D.    F. 

Mor.  Waiter!  (sees  MRS.  M.  P.)  Ah!  (disappears] 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Ah, — Mr.  Morland, — 'twas  he  ! 

Goli.  (to  SAM,  while  taking  off  great- coat,  which  he  puts  over  one 
of  the  chairs]  You  understand,  young  man, — every  delicacy  of  the 
season ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (who  has  been  hesitating  near  R.  D.  F.)  I  will  follow. 
(about  to  do  so] 

Capt.  Phobbs.   (without]  I  tell  you,  she  is  here  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  My  brother-in-law — if  he  sees  me,  I  cannot  conceal 
my  suspicions  from  him,  and  then, — ah  ! — in  here,  (runsintov.  F.) 

Goli.  (who  has  given  directions  to  SAM)  Now  make  haste. 

Enter   CAPTAIN  PHOBBS,    hastily,  1,.,—goes  into  Bail-Room,  L.  C., 
and  returns,  R.  C. — Exit  SAM,  L. 

Come,  that's  settled,  and  now,  my  dear — (turns,  and  finds  himself 
face  to  face  with  CAPT.  PHOBBS,  who  looks  at  him  for  a  moment, 
and  then  turns  and  looks  in  all  farts  of  the  stage,  aside,  L.)  Her 
husband!  "  The  dear  Major!  " — Now  why  couldn't  the  worthy 
man  stop  where  he  was,  instead  of  coming  here  and  interfering 
with  his  wife's  little  innocent  recreations  ? 

Capt.  P.  (R.,  coming  back  to  GOLIGHTLY)  So, — Mr.  Go-brightly  ! 

Goli.  Go — lightly,  sir. 

Capt.  P.  You're  still  here— eh? 

Goli.  I'm  not  aware  of  being  anywhere  else  ! 

Capt.  P.  Then,  Mr.  Go— slightly 

Goli.  Go — lightly,  sir, — omit  the  "  s." 

Capt.  P.  Yet  stay — before  I  enter  into  particulars,  allow  me  to 
give  you  an  insight  into  the  state  of  my  mind, — Mr.  Go — tightly  ! 

Goli.  Go — lightly,  sir, — I  never  do  go  tightly  ! 

Capt.  P.  You  see  before  you  a  man,  furious  with  indignation, 
sir, — literally  boiling  over ! 

Goli.  Well,  sir, — I'd  advise  you  to  wait  till  you  simmer  down  a 
little.- — (aside]  It's  as  well  to  appear  cool  and  collected  before  peo- 
ple— but,  I  confess,  I  wouldn't  have  his  wife  show  her  face  at  this 
moment,  for  a  very  considerable  trifle  !  But  where  can  she  have 
got  to  ? 

Capt.  P.  I  see  you  are  dying  with  curiosity  to  know  what  has 
excited  my  anger,  which  I  consider  both  inquisitive  and  imperti- 
nent. 

Goli.  My  dear  sir,  you  are  mistaken  ; — I  don't  care  one  straw 
about  you  or  your  anger  either.  You  may  boil  all  away,  as  far  as 
I'm  concerned. 

Capt.  P.  Then  you're  a  man  devoid  of  feeling — Mr.  Go-' 
sprightly  ! 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS,  19 

Goli.  (shouting]  Go — lightly  ! — d'ye  hear — Go — lightly! — (very 
quietly}  Don't  let  me  have  to  tell  you  again. 

Capt.  P.   Are  you  married,  sir? 

Goli.  Quite  the  contrary,  sir, — I  haven't  that  happiness. 

Capt.  P.  Happiness — he,  he! — I'm  married,  and  look  very 
happy,  don't  I  ? — ha!  ha  !  (grinning) 

Goli.  No,  I  can't  say  you  do ! — I  never  saw  a  more  wretched 
looking  object  in  all  my  life  ! 

Capt.  P.  Ha! — ha!  no  wonder, — you  shall  hear! — I  brought 
my  wife  here  to  the  ball  to  enjoy  herself,  and  shortly  after  went 
home. 

Goli.  I  see  ! — you  went  home,  that  your  wife  might  enjoy  her- 
self! 

Capt.  P.  No  such  thing! — Well,  Mr.  Go — Go, — something  or 
other, — I  waited  at  home  till  12  o'clock, — no  wife — half-past  12 — 
no  wife  ; — so  I  came  here  after  her,  and  they  want  me  to  believe 
that  everybody's  gone. 

Goli.  So  they  are, — arn't  they,  Sam?  (tipping  a  wink  to  SAM, 
who  has  entered,  L.,  just  before,  with  supper,  which  he  places  on 
table} 

Sam.  Yes,  all  gone,  long  ago. 

Capt.  P.  (to  SAM)  Zounds  and  the  devil,  sir  ! 

Goli.  (aside]  Now  he  wants  to  pick  a  quarrel  with  the  waiter ! 

(Exit  SAM,  R.) 

Capt.  P.  Then,  sir,  you  are  alone  here,  eh  ? 

Goli.  I  was  alone,  before  you  honoured  me  with  your  remark- 
ably agreable  society. 

Capt.  P.  Indeed  ! — then  pray,  sir,  how  is  it  that  the  table  hap- 
pens to  be  laid  for  two  ? 

Goli.   (confused  }   For  two  ? 

Capt.  P.  (vociferating]  Yes,  sir,  for  two  ? 

Goli.  (starting  away]  Don't  shout  in  that  dreadful  way  !  you'll 
fracture  your  voice  ! — I  had  the  table  laid  for  two,  certainly, — it's 
a  fancy  of  mine — besides,  a  friend  might  drop  in. 

Capt.  P.  Well,  that's  civil  of  you, — very— thankye — thankye. 
(shaking  his  hand  violently] 

Goli.  Pooh  ! — pooh  ! — I  didn't  mean — 

Capt.  P.  Hush  ! — (violently  seizing  his  arm,  and  listening]  I 
thought  I  heard — no — it's  nothing. 

Goli.  You  call  it  nothing  ! — You've  dislocated  my  arm,  that's 
all. 

Capt.  P.   I  say,  I  can't  allow  you  to  pay  for  my  supper  though — 

Goli.   (indignant)  Pooh! — a  very  likely  matter! 

Capt.  P.  Oh,  very  well, — if  you  insist  upon  it.  (sits  at  table] 

Goli.  Well, — ha  ! — ha  ! — delicious  ! 

Capt.  P.  Now,  then,  sit  down.  (GOLIGHTLY,  who  is  buried  in  re- 


20  LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

flection,  takes  no  notice]  Sit  down,  I  say !  (banging  the  table  with 
the  handle  of  his  knife] 

Goli.  There!     {disgusted,  and  sitting  down  opposite"} 

Capt.  P.  What's  here  ! — Partridges  ? — shall  I  cut  'em  up? 

Goli.  Oh,  bother, — yes  ! — cut  'em  up !     (turns  from  the  table} 

Capt.  P.  I  can't  let  you  pay  for  the  supper,  if  you  don't  eat. 

Goli.  Oh,  very  well,  (sticks  his  fork  into  the  partridges,  and  puh 
them  on  his  plate  one  after  the  other) 

Capt.  P.  (bursting  out)  By  Jupiter,  if  I  thought  my  wife  was  de- 
ceiving me  !  (flourishes  the  knife  close  to  GoLiGHTLY'syfov) 

Goli.  I  wish,  sir,  you  wouldn't  flourish  your  knife  about  in  that 
absurd  way  !  (cutting  partridge) 

Capt.  P.  Beg  pardon. — (sits  down)  Only  let  me  catch  a  man 
paying  attentions  to  my  wife,  that's  all !  Ye  Gods  !  (starts  up 
again,  and  flourishes  knife  more  violently  than  before) 

Goli.  (jumping  up)  Put  down  that  knife,  sir !  I  say  sir,  put 
down  that  knife,  sir  ! 

Capt.  P.  I'd  annihilate  him! — as  I  do  this  !  (  sticking  fork  into 
partridge) 

Goli.  Waiter !  (jumping  up  and  shouting  with  all  his  might) 

Capt.  P.  (going  to  him)  Sir, — I  beg  your  pardon. 

Goli.  Really,  sir,  you  seem  to  have  no  other  object  in  life  than 
to  beg  my  pardon. 

Capt.  P.  Make  some  allowance  for  me. — I'm  not  uneasy  with- 
out grounds, — for  my  wife  is  young  and  pretty. 

Goli.  I  know  she  is  ! 

Capt.  P.   How  the  devil  should  you  know  ? 

Goli.  I  mean — I  suppose  she  is — if  she  was  old  and  ugly,  you 
would  not  be  so  excited. 

Capt.  P.   Ha!  ha!— very  good — ha!  ha! 

Goli.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  (CAPT.  PHOBBS  suddenly  5/Vv^GoLiGHTLY's 
laughter,  by  placing  his  hand  over  his  mouth) 

Capt.  P.  Oh  ! — f  swear  1  heard  somebody  in  that  room,  (points 
to  door,  R.) 

Goli.  No  such  thing. 

Capt.  P.  I  tell  you,  I  did.  (breaks  away  from  him,  and  banging 
the  door  open  with  his  fist,  runs  in,  R.) 

Goli.  Oh,  lud  ! — it's  all  over  with  me. — I  wouldn't  give  a  straw 
for  my  life  !  (sinks  into  a  chair. — During  the  last  two  or  three 
speeches,  MRS.  M.  P.  has  come  out  of  door,  R.,  and  observes  ;  as  soon 
as  CAPT.  P.  goes  R.,  she  advances  hastily  down) 

Mrs.  M.  P.   (touches  GOLIGHTLY  on  the  shoulder)  Sir  ! 

Goli.  (jumping  round)  Come  on — eh? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Hush — you  must  send  him  away  instantly, — some 
pretext  or  other, — I  care  not  what — but  you  must  send  him  away  ! 

Goli.  It's  very  easy  to  say  "send  him,  away" — but  the  man's  a 
\\ild  beast, — a  Hyena  ! 


LEND  ME  FIFE  SHILLINGS.  21 

Mrs.  M.  P.  It  must  be  done,  my  happiness  depends  on  it. — Ah  ! 
(a  loud  crash  of  broken  crockery. — MRS.  M.  P.  hastily  runs  through 
R.  D.  F. — at  the  same  moment,  CAPT.  PHOBBS  enters,  followed  by 
SAM,  R.  2  E.) 

Sam.   But,  sir  ! 

Capt.  P.  Don't  tell  me, — how  should  I  see  your, infernal  crock- 
ery in  the  dark  ! — put  it  down  in  the  bill  ! 

Goli.     Pooh  ! — pooh  !  come,  I  like  that. 

Capt.  P.  (to  SAM)  Go  along — be  off. — (  drives  him  off,  L.  2  E.) 
Well,  she  isn't  there  ! 

Goli.  Then,  my  dear  sir,  if  I  were  in  your  place 

Capt.  P.  Well,  sir 

Goli.  I  should  go  home — have  a  basin  of  gruel,  and  go  to  bed. 

Capt.  P.  Oh, — that's  what  you'd  do. 

Goli.  I  should,  decidedly. 

Capt.  P.  That's  as  much  as  to  say,  you've  had  enough  of  my 
company. 

Goli.  Very  little  of  anything  satisfies  me  ! — besides,  I  want  to  go 
to  bed  myself. — I've  been  dancing  no  end  of  Polkas,  and  I  shan't 
be  sorry  to  get  into  a  horizontal  position  ! — Ugh. —  (yawning  and 
stretching] 

Capt.  P.  Damn  it,  I  won't  allow  you  or  any  man  to  yawn  in  my 
face! 

Goli.  Then  you'd  better  take  your  face  somewhere  else, — for  I 
can't  help, — yaw, — (yawns] 

Capt.  P.  I  see,  sir,  you  want  to  pick  a  quarrel  with  me. 

Goli.  (aside]  I'll  see  if  I  can't  frighten  him  a  bit — (aloud]  Dash, 
my  wig  and  buttons,  sir  !  (starts  up  to  him] 

Capt.  P.  That's  enough  !— you  shall  soon  hear  from  me. 

Goli.  The  sooner,  the  better. — (aside]  I'll  shoot  him  as  dead  as  a 
herring,  and  then  marry  his  widow. 

Capt.  P.  We'll  have  it  out  to-night,  sir, — in  this  very  room,  sir, 
— pistols,  as  a  matter  of  course,  sir. 

Goli.  No,  sir, — I  beg  your  pardon — I  don't  look  upon  pistols  as 
a  matter  of  course,  at  all, — I  prefer  swords,  sir, — or  foils, — suppose 
we  say  foils. 

Capt.  P.  Pshaw  !— Waiter  ! 

Enter  SAM,  L. 

My  great-coat ! 

Sam.  This  is  it,  sir.  (kelps  him  on  with  the  white  great-coat  on 
chair] 

Capt.  P.  I  shall  soon  be  back,  sir — d'ye  hear,  sir?     (Exit,  L.) 
Goli.  Come,  I've  got  rid  of  him  at  all  events,  and  now  I  think 
the  best  thing  I  can  do  is  to  pay  the  bill,  and  be  off.     (feels  in  his 
pockets]  Holloa  ! — he's  taken  the  great-coat  away  with  t-he  purse  in 
it. — Stop  thief! — stop  thief!      (  shouting  at  door,  R.  2  E.) 


22  LE.VD  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

Morland.  (without}  Indeed, — it  cannot  be,  madam! 
Goli.   Holloa  ! — holloa  !     (retires,  watching} 

Enter,  from  R.  D.  F.,  MORLAND  and  MRS.  M.  PHOBBS. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  A  woman  may  be  imprudent,  Mr.  Morland. 

Mor.  Imprudent! — Nay,  my  dear  madam 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Silence,  sir ;  but  however  imprudent  she  may  be,  it 
ill  becomes  a  man  to  compromise  her. 

Mor.  Compromise  ! — ha  ! — ha  ! — my  dear  madam,  if  you  will 
but  hear  me 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I'll  hear  nothing,  sir,  till  I  have  possession  of  that 
miniature ! 

Mor.  There,  my  dear  madam,  you  must  excuse  me. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  1  understand,  sir, — doubtless,  the  affectionate  inter- 
est you  take  in  the  original,  prevents  your  parting  with  it. 

Mor.  Put  whatever  construction  you  please  upon  my  motive, 
madam,  but  with  this  miniature  I  will  not  part,  (going,  L.) 

Goli.  (grasps  his  arm,  and  in  a  very  faint  voice  )  Mr.  Morland  ! 

Mor.  Well,  sir  ! 

Goli.  The  original  of  the  miniature  you  speak  of — I  tremble  to 
ask  it— is  it— Mrs.  Phobbs? 

Mor.  It  is,  sir. 

Goli.  And  you've  a  sneaking  kindness  for  her  ?  (in  a  tremulous 
voice ) 

Mor.  Hark  ye,  Mr.  Golightly, — (crosses,  L.)  I  take  a  sufficient 
interest  in  the  lady  you  have  mentioned,  to  blow  your  brains  out,  if  I 
thought  you  presumed  to  take  any — you  understand  me,  sir, — fare- 
well. (  Exit,  L. — GOLIGHTLY  sinks  on  chair] 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Now  to  remove  Julia  from  the  house,  (perceives 
GOLIGHTLY.)  Good  heavens, — Mr.  Golightly  ! 

Goli.  (lifting  up  his  head— he  is  very  pale}  Where  am  I  ?  (  rises 
and  falls  on  her  shoulder;  she  in  vain  strives  to  make  him  stand  off} 

Mrs.  M.  P.  I  shall  never  forget  your  kindness,  sir,  and  should 
we  not  meet  again 

Goli.  Not  meet  again  !  (takes  her  hand  and  deliberately  leads  her 
down  to  the  front}  Not  meet  again  !  and  is  it  for  this,  Mrs  Major 
P.,  that  I  lent  you  my  umbrella,  15  months  ago,  at  Harrowgate  ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.   It  was  very  kind  of  you. 

Goli.  Is  it  for  this  that  I  gave  way  to  a  degree  of  rapture  on 
meeting  you  again,  such  as,  I  flatter  myself,  was  totally  unworthy 
of  a  rational  being? 

Mrs.  M.  P.   I'm  sure  I  was  not  displeased  at  seeing  you  again. 

Goli.  Is  it  for  this  that  I  engaged  a  one-horse  fly  to  take  you  to 
the  Barracks,  and  then  two  miles  and  a  half  beyond  the  turn- 
pike ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  And  I  admit  it  was  very  kind,  I  really  feel — 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  23 

Goli.  Is  it  for  this  that  I  ordered  supper,  at  seven  shillings  a 
head,  and  though  last,  not  least, — is  it  for  this,  Mrs.  Major  P.,  that 
I  got  rid  of  Phobbs, — by  insulting  Phobbs  and  promising  Phobbs 
that  I'd  set  myself  up  as  a  target  for  Phobbs  to  fire  at  ? 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Good  heavens, — a  duel ! — Believe  me, — Mr.  Go- 
lightly,  should  you  fall,  nobody  would  regret  it  more  than  I. 

Goli.  I  beg  your  pardon,  madam,  but  I  think  /  should — and 
now,  madam,  the  sooner  you  reward  the  affectionate  interest  of 
Mr.  Morland,  the  better. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Mr.  Morland  ! — are  you  mad  ? — I  take  no  interest 
in  Mr.  Morland ! 

Goli.  Yes,  you  do, — I'll  bet  you  five  shillings  on  it,  if  you'll  lend 
'em  me. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  What  proof  do  you  require  ? 

Goli.  There's  only  one  will  convince  me — and,  unfortunately,  it 
is  not  in  your  power  to  offer  it  just  now. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  What  is  it  you  mean  ? 

Goli.  That  fair  lily-white  hand  ! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  (aside)  He's  popped  the  question  at  last,  (aloud) 
There,  Mr.  Golightly,— take  it.  (offers  her  hand} 

Goli.  Eh, — no, — oh,  joy, — rapture, — ecstatic  moment ! — (about  to 
take  it)  and  yet 

Mrs.  M.  P.   How,  sir, — do  you  refuse  it  ? 

Goli.  No — that  is — I — (aside) — Good  gracious  !  she  can't  seri- 
ously contemplate  committing  bigamy ! 

Capt.  P.  (without )  I  tell  you,  you  shall  come  with  me. 

MRS.  M.  P.  hastily  retires  up  to  back,  and  meets  MRS.  CAPT. 
PHOBBS,  who  enters  from  R.  D.  F.  ;  at  the  same  moment  CAPT. 
PHOBBS  enters,  L.,  with  a  pair  of  pistols,  followed  by  MORLAND. 

Capt.  P.  (marches  up  to  GOLIGHTLY,  and  gives  him  a  pistol) 
There, — and  now, — (walks  back,  measuring]  One — two — three — 
fire! 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Stop  !  (comes  down  with  MRS.  C.  PHOBBS) 

Goli.  Yes,  stop — by  all  means. 

Mor.  Really,  sir,  this  violent  state  of  indignation,  about  a 
trifling  dispute  at  a  supper-table 

Capt.  P.  No  such  thing  ! — It  isn't  a  question  of  a  paltry  supper  at 
all,  but  of  a  lady,  sir,  and  that  lady  my  wife,  sir, — yes, — (shouting 
to  GOLIGHTLY)  The  waiter  has  told  me  all ! — She  was  to  have  sup- 
ped here,  alone  with  you,  Mr.  Go — sprightly,  and  that's  why  the 
table,  Mr.  Go — brightly  was  laid  for  two, — Mr.  Golightly  ;  there- 
fore, as  I  said  before, — one — two — three — fire  !  (measures,  and  pre- 
sents pistol ) 

Goli.  Be  quiet ! — (with  great  calmness)  I  don't  deny,  sir,  that  I 
was  to  have  supped  here  with  a  lady, — and  a  very  charming  lady, 


24  LEA'D  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

— {aside  to  MRS.  M.  P.,  whn  nudges  him}  Don  the  alarmed,  I 
won't  compromise  you, — such  a  brilliant  thought  !  (lakes  MRS.  C. 
PHOBBS'S  hand,  and  leads  her  towards  the  CAPTAIN)  Now,  sir,  I 
shsuld  like  to  know  what  possible  objection  you  can  have  to  my 
supping  with  this  lady  ? 

Capt.  P.  Ha  ! — ha  ! — there,  you  hear  ! — he  confesses  it !  (seizing 
and  shaking  him}  Now,  sir, — one — two — three — fire!  (puts  the 
pistol  close  to  GOLIGHTLY'S  nose) 

Goli.  (shouting)  Waiter  ; — take  this  man  away,  and  bring  me  a 
gentleman  !  (goes  to  R.,  corner} 

Capt.  P.  (to  MRS.  C.  P.)  Now  madam,  what  have  you  to  say  to 
this,  eh  ? 

Mrs.  C.  P.  Simply,  that  I  never  remember  to  have  seen  this 
gentleman  before  ;  let  that  satisfy  you,  my  dear  husband  ! 

Goli.  (aside}  Her  dear  husband! — he's  got  two  wives! — I'll 
transport  the  aged  delinquent. 

Mor.  (to  CAPT.  P.)  My  dear  sir,  allow  me  to  explain  the  mys- 
tery ; — if  your  jealousy  must  have  a  victim,  why,  egad,  you 
must  take  me. 

Goli.  Certainly, — take  him,  by  all  means. 

Mor.  But,  before  you  blow  my  brains  out,  allow  me  to  assure 
you,  that  the  few  moments  I  passed  alone  with  your  wife,  were 
devoted  to  a  worthy  purpose, — namely,  to  enable  me,  on  the  eve  of 
my  departure  from  England,  to  present  you  with  this  (giving  mini- 
ature} as  a  slight  return  for  your  kindness  to  Cousin  George. 

Capt.  P.  My  wife's  portrait! — Well,  thank  ye,  George  !  (shakes 
hands}  Give  me  a  kiss, — (kisses  MRS.  CAPT.  P.) — and  you,  too  ! 
(about  to  kiss  MRS.  MAJOR  P.) 

Goli.  (pushing  hvn  back}  No — no — I  won't  allow  it. 

Capt.  P.  I  am  Major  Phobbs's  brother,  sir. 

Mrs.  M.  P.  And  I, — his  widow  ! 

Goli.  Widow, — no, — say  it  again  !— worthy  man  ! — Let  us  bury 
our  little  differences  in  each  others'  arms, — embrace  your  brother- 
in-law,  (throws  his  arms  round  CAPT.  P.) 

Mrs.  M.  P.  Brother-in-law, — nay,  Mr.  Golightly  ;  when  I 
offered  you  my  hand  just  now,  you  appeared  to  hesitate. 

Goli.  Just  give  me  another  chance, — that's  all. — (MRS.  M.  P. 
offers  her  hand,  which  he  eagerly  takes  and  kisses}  Now,  if  there's 
anybody  here  inclined  for  a  bet, — I'll  lay  very  considerable  odds, 
that  I'm  the  happiest  fellow  alive. 

Enter  SAM,  L. 

Sam.   (to  GOLI.)  The  bill,  sir 

Goli.   (aside}  The  devil  ! 
Sam.   Don't  be  alarmed, — it's  paid  ! 

Goli.  (delighted}  Paid! — (assumes  an  important  air}  And  who, 
I  should  like  to  know,  has  taken  the  liberty  of  paying  my  bill  ? 


LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS.  25 

Capt.  P.  Why,  as  I  destroyed  the  supper,  the  least  I  could  do 
was  to  pay  all  the  bill. 

Goli.  (pretends  to  be  annoyed}  Well,  I  don't  like  this  sort  of 
thing, — but,  as  it's  done — it  can't  be  undone! 

Capt.  P.  Then  suppose  we  all  adjourn  to  Barracks.  There's 
a  fly  at  the  door. 

Sam.  It's  Mr.  Golightly's. 

Capt.  P.  Is  it?  then  you  can  set  us  all  down. 

Goli.  Of  course — that  is, — (aside)  Now,  really,  this  is  a  very 
awkward  situation  to  be  placed  in!  I  don't  know  whom  to  ask 
to  lend  me  five  shillings.  I  don't  like  to  apply  to  strangers  ; — but 
then — (to  audience) — You  are  not  strangers — I  think  I  know  a  good 
many  of  you,  and  I'm  sure  you  all  know  me, — therefore,  if  at 
any  time  you  should  see  me  in  a  dilemma,  from  which  such  a 
trifling  amount  would  extricate  me,  I'm  sure,  not  one  here  would 
hesitate  for  a  moment  to 

LEND  ME  FIVE  SHILLINGS. 

PICTURE. 

SAM.      MOR.    MRS.  M.  P.    GOLI.    MRS.  C.  P.     CAPT.  P. 


CURTAIN. 


One  Act  Farces 


TANGLES.      t5  cents.      A   farce   in   x   act,   by   C.    LEON  A   DALRYMPLB. 
4  male,  3  female  characters,     i  interior  scene.     Bill  Tracy  accepts  Mrs.Janeway's 


them  into  a  tangle  of  surprises,  finally  unraveled  by  Jack,  who  arrives  opportunely. 
The  "  situation*  are  tremendously  funny  and  keep  the  audience  in  roars  of  laughter. 

NIGHT  IN  TAPPAN,  A.  1 S  cents.  A  farce  comedy  in  j  act  and 
i  scene,  by  p.  B.  DUBOIS.  2  male,  3  female  characters.  Modern  costumes.  Dining- 
room  scene  in  suburban  residence.  Time,  about  30  minutes.  The  action  commences 
at  10.45  p-  **•  on  'he  arrival  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  John  Betts,  quite  unexpectedly  at  the 
home  of  Mr.  Augustus  Beits,  while  Mrs.  Augustus  is  awaiting  her  husband's  return 
from  the  city.  1  he  complications  caused  by  a  saucy,  blundering  Irish  servant,  Mr. 
Augustus  being  entirely  ignorant  of  the  new  arrivals,  are  screamingly  bewildering. 

KISSING  THE  WRONG  GIRL.  IS  cents.  A  farcical  sketch  in 
i  act,  by  W.  C.  PARKER,  "i  male,  2  female  characters.  It  is  the  case  of  a  "  cheeky" 
book-agent,  two  sisters  who  look  much  alike,  all  sorts  of  funny  mistakes,  and  any 
number  of  ridiculous  situations  that  will  keep  the  audience  in  a  continuous  roar  of 
laughter.  The  piece  can  be  played  either  "  straight  "  or  with  specialties.  No  scenery 
needed. 

LITTLE  RED  MARE,  The.  IS  Cents.  A  farce  in  j  act,  byO.  E. 
YOUNG.  3  male  characters,  t  interior  scene.  Time,  about  35  minutes.  The  little  red 
mare  and  a  very  deaf  farmer's  red-headed  daughter  are  both  named  Nellie.  A  dude 
is  after  the  daughter,  and  a  horse-dealer  wants  the  mare.  The  farmer  mistakes  the 
one  for  the  other,  and  the  way  he  gets  the  two  claimants  muddled  in  his  criss-cross 
description  of  the  two  Nellies  keeps  the  audience  in  a  roar  from  the  word  "go."  By 
a  startling  incident  the  farmer  is  suddenly  cured  of  his  deafness,  and  what  he  hears 
aids  in  clearing  up  the  muddle. 

NEW  REPORTER,  The.  IS  cents.  A  farce  in  i  act  and  i  interior 
scene,  by  FRANKLIN  JOHNSTON.  6  male,  2  female  characters.  Time,  45  minutes. 
ffoiis,  the  proprietor  of  a  newspaper,  is  expecting  a  new  reporter  whom  he  has 
engaged  on  trial.  Nancy,  Hobbs1*  daughter,  persuades  her  lover,  Jack,  who  is 
•nknown  to  her  father,  to  personify  the  new  reporter,  and  gets  to  work.  The 
blunders  he  makes,  and  the  arrival  of  Tufper,  the  real  reporter,  results  in  a  general 
flare  up,  until  explanations  are  made,  and  Tupper  is  persuaded  by  Nancy  to  retire  in 
favor  of  Jack. 

BYRD    AND   HURD;    or,  A  Fair  Exchange,     is  cents.    A 

farcical  sketch  in  i  act,  by  HAROLD  SANDER.  6  male  characters,  i  exterior  and  i  in- 
terior scene.  Time,  about  40  minutes.  For  seven  years  a  lawsuit  has  been  pending 
between  Byrd  and  Hurd  for  possession  of  a  pond  situated  between  their  contiguous 
farms.  They  are  both  arrested  in  Boston.  Byrd  has  a  lunch  served,  but  has  no 
tobacco:  ffurdhas,  and  is  hungry.  After  bitter  altercations,  Byrd  divides  his  lunch; 
Hurd  his  tobacco.  The  exchange  leads  to  reconciliation  and  personal  settlement  ot 
the  lawsuit,  to  the  disgust  of  Sly,  the  lawyer.  The  scenes  are  quite  simple  and  the 
"situations"  extremely  comic. 

FINNEGAN  AND  FLANAGAN.    15  cents.   A  farcical  sketch  in 

i  act,  by  W,  C.  PARKER,  i  male,  i  female  character.  Time  of  playing  25  minutes. 
Finnegan  has  a  smile  as  broad  as  the  Lakes  of  Killarney,  and  Mrs.  Flanagan  has 
*'  the  force  as  well  as  the  fancy."  His  quiet  utterances  and  her  awkward  mannerisms 
are  droll  in  the  extreme.  The  "business"  is  excruciatingly  comic,  and  the  lucky 
liquidation  of  an  unpaid  board  bill  concludes  one  of  the  funniest  of  Irish  farces. 
Specialties  can  be  introduced,  or  the  piece  may  be  played  "  straight."  No  scenery  It 
required. 

FUN  IN  A  SCHOOL  ROOM.  IS  cents.  A  farcical  sketch  .„  i 
act  and  i  Interior  scene,  by  HARRY  E.  SHELLAND.  4  male  characters,  a  Dutch-dialect 
teacher,  and  3  pupils  consisting  of  a  young  Bowery  tough,  a  Hebrew  boy,  and  a  rather 
good  little  boy.  Time,  about  40  minutes.  The  questions  and  answers  given  in  their 
respective  personalities  are  »utrageously  funny,  including  an  entirely  new  version  oi 
the  discovery  of  America.  The  sketch  throughout  u  Incredibly  absurd. 


A  DOCTOR  BY  COURTESY 

A  Farce  in  Three  Acts,  t 
PRICE  25  Cl 


CHARACTEl 

DR.  Jos.  SLY,  a  physician  (?) A       Q00512643 

HENRI   DUVAL,  a   French  merchant Character 

CHAS.   JENKINS,   Sly's  father-in-law Comedy  old   man 

FREDDIE    WEST,    a    dude Character 

MICHAEL,  a  hallboy Irish  character 

POLICEMAN,  one  of  the  finest. 

FLORETTE    DUVAL,    Duval's    Wife Lead 

EMILY    SLY,    Sly's    Wife Juvenile 

MARTHA  JENKINS,  Jenkins's  wife Old  woman 

IDA  GAYGIRL,  of  the  ballet Soubrette 

GRETCHEN,     Florette's     maid    servant Character 

Two    INTERIOR    SCENES. — TIME    or    REPRESENTATION — Two    hours. 

SYNOPSIS 

ACT  I. — Sitting-room  in  Sly's  office.  Mr.  Jenkins  resorts  to  heroic 
measures  to  boom  his  son-in-law's  medical  practice.  Two  women  prepare  a 
trap.  Old  associates  draw  Sly  into  folly.  Clouds  begin  to  gather. 

ACT  II. — Room  in  the  house  of  Monsieur  Duval.  Florette's  physician 
(by  proxy)  arrives.  A  startling  prescription.  Matters  become  worse  and 
worse.  A  jealous  husband  and  three  doctors  (?). 

ACT  III. — Same  as  Act  I.  The  "green-eyed  monster"  appears  in  the 
Sly  family.  The  story  of  a  scratched  face  and  a  shower-bath.  Explana- 
tions restore  harmony,  and  Dr.  (?)  Sly  retires  from  active  work. 


COLLEGE   CHUMS 

A  COMEDY  OF  COLLEGE  LIFE  IN  THREE  ACTS,  BY  ANTHONY  E.  WILLS 

PRICE    25    CENTS 

A  realistic  sketch  of  College  life  and  its  influence.  Wallace,  an  in- 
dolent aimless  young  man,  on  entering  college  is  hazed  by  fellow  collegiates, 
led  on  by  Thorne,  the  bully  of  his  class.  He  turns  on  the  bully  and  thrashes 
him  soundly.  Out  of  revenge,  he  is  so  ingeniously  accused  of  theft  by  the 
bully,  that  the  crime  appears  to  carry  conviction.  Finally  the  real  thief 
exonerates  him  and  the  bully  is  expelled.  There  are  some  very  funny 
passages  between  two  opposing  veterans  of  the  war,  and  in  the  love  making 
of  a  German  professor.  In  due  course  the  inevitable  young  lady  comes 
on  the  scene  with  the  usual  results.  A  capital  play,  full  of  interest  through- 
out. 

CHARACTERS 

FRANKLYN    RISLEY,    Dean   of   the    University Character 

FRIEDERICH  VON  WEBER,  Professor  of  German Character 

WALLACE   FINDLAY,   "The   Babe" .Lead 

HOWARD  THORNE.  "The  Bully" •  •  Heavy 

ARTHUR  KINGSBURY.  Capt.  of  College  Team gtra>8  !t 

PAUL  DINSMORE,  a  Sophomore gtra!S'it 

CLIFFORD  PAIGE,  manager  of  College  Team .Straight 

JOHN    FINDLAY,   Wallace's   father Character 

ALEC,  an  old   colored   attendant •£,  j    ?ct?r 

MRS.    ALMIRA    DINSMORE,    Paul's    mother Old    Lady 

GRACE    DINSMORE.    her    daughter ...Leaf 

TOBY  SPRAGUE,  the  watchman's  daughter Ingenue 

ONE  INTERIOR  STAGE-SETTING.— TIME  OF   REPRESENTATION— Two  hours, 


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